Category: Uncategorized

Not much to say today, but saw my good friend Doe posting on FB that she just added to her blog, Doses of Doe. I was just thinking earlier today, I should blog something. Trouble is I can never think of what to talk about. I know, many of my NY friends are falling over right now. I used to have at least 2-3 blogs running at the same time. And not having much to day was a rarity between my Rdykes, or rather Sabrina’s RDykes’ coffee meets, and what I’ll call “EDS survivors” coffee nights. Between 8 yrs in Los Angeles and than the terrible awful in the place we shall not name, I’ve become quite the introvert. I can bet anyone that has met me after I left Brooklyn would not describe me as gregarious. Yes, I used to be described as “gregarious.” Who was that person?

Due to my cuter-half’s job I’ve also had to curb a lot of my brutal honesty. I’m not upset about that, since if you know my story at all, you know being honest has not done my career any favors. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still brutally honest. However, I make sure I’m more aware of the audience. Hmmm , I now see the correlation to why some people think I’m rather quiet. I’m just smiling and thinking evil thoughts, since I’ve lost all my old partners in crime. Well, not lost, I moved away. It’s really hard to pass along a sideways glance and a quick quip without being physically present.

Sooo what’s new? Unfortunately some of the better news I can’t share just, yet. I’ll share the lesser exciting bits. Back at the piano this morning. Yeah yeah, still plodding away at the Simply Piano app. It’s a bit lame, but it’s easy to do and great for sight reading. I’m still in Essentials II, which means there are 2 more sections to go before I get to reading lead sheets. I’ve wanted to learn how to read lead sheets for a while. I pulled the plug on my Patreon subscription to Bill Hilton. No fault of his, I had over 50 lessons I had yet to even view. Figured I should stop payment until I catch up a bit. Found a new free YouTube vid where he’s going over 3 easy jazz tunes. I’m working on that and another updated improv vid. Trying to learn and remember the 12 bars of chord progressions, is going slow. Hopefully I won’t have long sabbaticals between practice sessions like I did in the place we shall not name. Simply Piano app is fun, today I played some Aerosmith tune. My 14 year old self would be proud!

I’ve gotten much farther in piano as an adult than I ever did as a child. Pretty soon I’ll pass where I went in my on/off again years of guitar study, too.

And yes, believe it or not I’ve found a new dojo a few weeks back. Further, I’m still training. Often I find a group, do the free/cheap intro package, maybe a couple meet ups then ditch. Lack of meditation before and after class is usually the kicker, but I’ve given up on that.

I can’t honestly say I train even twice a week, but I’ve made it past the introductory 8 classes. I was going 2x a week until the screaming dragon of legal bull fucking shit woke up for a bit. Argh! I think that’s been slayed…. or at least napping. I really don’t want to talk too much about it, because I’ve noticed a bad trend. If I talk about or post on social media about training, working out, piano… shortly afterwards I stop.

I’m more than a little superstitious that even this bit of writing and the fact I talked about it to someone last night on the phone, that I’ve already jinxed myself. I haven’t earned a new belt yet. I did say I’ve only attended about 8-10 classes, so we’ll see. If I stay past the intro, it’s usually shortly after the first or second belt I tend to lose interest. This is also when I realize I’m the only Queer in the group, and people are being “nice.” I start to notice no one really wants to hang out, even just to geek out over martial arts. One guy is super friendly to point I was afraid maybe he was being flirty, but no. I get so thrown off if I think a guy might be flirting. It’s so rare! Fortunately, he just likes to geek out over martial arts, and gets excited talking about it. Actually, all the guys do, which is cool. No one is using training as a distraction and no 13-15yr old “adult students” that are obviously in involuntary karate daycare.

Unlike past attempts at combining training with socializing, this time I’m waiting. I’m not going to be the first to ask someone to coffee or go see the latest kung fu/karate movie. I’m too tired of being disappointed. The class is pretty small and as far as I can tell there isn’t much outside class socializing going on. Then again I’m still on the “intro package,” and after changing schools many times I’ve learned rarely do you get social invites until you’ve proven you’re sticking around past the point of getting a free uniform. I have hope, though. This group seems pretty decent. No one talks politics, so no clue if there are conservative-phobes. Fingers crossed.

What else?

Stopped reading with probably less than a hundred pages left of The Magician (The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel) by Michael Scott, and the same with Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchet. Had to stop barely a hundred pages in to some book I started about a guy trapped underground. One sec, let me look, ahh Last Words by Michael Koryta. Last Words trigger my fear of being buried alive, not a good bedtime book.

I know so boring… I’m falling asleep listening to my own story in my own head.

I know you all want to hear about the terrible awful that happened in June. I did write about it, but I don’t want to post it. Not today, and maybe not ever. I didn’t sleep for two days and totally messed up my digestion for a full week just writing about it. Yes, nothing but rice, bananas and applesauce for my diet. I’m still on that diet, too. Although, I’ve added protein. June is a hard place to visit. I wrote my story, from my perspective, and it’s … well, hindsight is a fucking bitch. So many calls to people and “rpofessionals” pretending to help and so many lies, just so many people fucking with you. Hindsight is going to be a real bitch, I think, for the next few months.

OK, not what you were expecting, but moving right along. Learning to talk, share, and be more open and open to creative energies.
If you’re reading, what do you want to read about?

wondering about all the things
that I’ll never understand
there are some things that you can’t know
unless you’ve been there
but oh how far we could go
if we started to share

I don’t need to tell you
what it is about
you just start on the inside
and work your way out
~ Ani DiFranco (from song Work Your Way Out)

I recently attended an event where unbeknownst to me, by buying a ticket I had signed basically a morality clause. I did not purchase my ticket and probably like many attendees, someone purchased the ticket for me. When I went to the event and was asked to fill out a registration form and there was a line of people, I just filled it out quickly and hit OK. I vaguely remember the usual last screen with, “Do you agree to terms…” which you always have to hit YES or OK, or you have to start over. Since the ticket was paid for, I didn’t think it was out of the ordinary, but was that the “Code of Conduct” or just the usual terms of sale, with clauses relating to “no refunds,” and the like? Was there an option to “Not Agree” to this “Code of Conduct” or parts of it? Also, why were the organizers so quiet about it? You would think they’d actually advertise it, if it is actually there to create a sense of safety.

I read online articles about the sale of Tales of the Cocktail to new owners. Articles from Imbibe, Forbes, NOLA.com, UK’s Bar Magazine, etc., dating from January to July 2018. I read the open letter on TOTC’s website, announcing the new owners and changes for TOTC for the future. The articles and open letter mentioned the official 501(c)3 non-profit status, focus on education and trying to fix the issues of the past. The new and improved TOTC will have seminars and start conversations about sexual harassment, unequal pay, racism, sexism, and alcoholism. All of this is great.

Read the full articles and you know what is missing? Even in the article from The Spirits Business, posted just days before the start of the event, not one mention of the new mandatory code of conduct. Why?

The night before the official opening party, but after over 3 days worth of events, a note was posted on the TOTC’s home page, which gave the first notice of this code of conduct. I’m guessing many people weren’t notified of the code of conduct until then, if at all. In the article about a man being arrested for a crime that occurred 3 years prior, the event organizers very proudly announced all attendees, which included me, had agreed to a “mandatory code of conduct.” Not cool.
Is it legal?

First, I’m not against codes of conduct. I’m not against trying to make a safer space at events known for over-imbibing, or in areas known for acts ranging from illegal sexual conduct to severely annoying misconduct. One reason I still have not “wandered down Bourbon St.” It’s not an experience I need, and one I knew would not be safe for me or my partner. What I am against is not letting me know about a mandatory code. Making me sign a contract without notice. That’s not legal. Also, if you are truly trying to make me feel safe, why the cloak and dagger routine?

I have to wonder if the event organizers and the non-profits involved know anything about laws, versus they just wanted to capitalize on the shocking publicity, and scare their attendees in acting appropriately. Let’s start with the ticket sale. It is a contract. I may not be lawyer, but I did pretty good in my one year of contract law in law school. (And I’ve also consulted a lawyer to help ensure I do not pass along misinformation). ¹

The Laws: A ticket sale is a contract if
1) the parties agree to terms, and
2) there is “consideration” on both sides (money paid for the buyer, the event happening for the seller).

Let’s take part 2 first, since it’s easier.
2) Consideration on both sides: We have consideration since I paid money, or someone paid for me, and there was an event I was allowed to attend. I had attended at least one event before picking up my wrist band, but after I had purchased a ticket. Consideration is met.

Part 1, agreeing to terms.
1) Buyer agrees to sellers terms: Now for online ticket sales this can be done via a prominent disclosure on a website before the “buy” button is hit. As I mentioned before, often this manifests as the long “terms and conditions” page no one reads. However, I tried to purchase a ticket from the TOTC website, and did not see any terms page relating to code of conduct. Also, when I looked over all the emails and print outs we received as our receipt of the ticket purchase, and for the special event tickets we purchased, no Code of Conduct.

We could consider that TOTC added this code of conduct after the event started. Legally if the terms change after purchase, then there should have been “clear warning that attendance equals consent.”¹ There should have been prominent signs at the registration tables, similar to the the ones you see at museums, “No photography allowed.” I saw business cards at the table, but I didn’t know what STAR was. Being my first Tales and first time in New Orleans I just assumed the cards were for some bar ware related, or alcohol related company pushing their product. I thought STAR was some sort of glassware, bar ware, bitters or possibly a brand of soda and mixers. No one at the table said, be sure to pick up a card so you have a 24/7hr hotline number to call. If they had, they would have at least created a chance to explain, discuss, or simply notify attendees of the new code of conduct.

Someone paid money, I got a print out, I went to get my wrist band. Why didn’t anyone of the 3 people I had to ask for help in finding paperwork, providing ID, and filling out the form to get the wrist band mention the new zero-tolerance policy, or the code of conduct? Why wasn’t the code of conduct mentioned on the FAQ page for the event or any of the previous articles about the changes to TOTC for 2018? No one said, please read the last page, or please note the terms & policies page. It’s different from past years, unless it wasn’t and I really didn’t get any notice at all about this mandatory code of conduct. And definitely no one said, “We hope you feel safe this year, because of our awesome “Code of Conduct” all attendees must sign. Nothing was said about the new and improved safer Tales. It’s hard not to feel like a good idea was severely tainted.

Let’s look at the “Code of Conduct.”

Wait, if I see something, do I have to potentially report it? What if full cooperation will result in me reporting on someone I work for, directly or indirectly? Remember the policy includes not just sexual harassment, but if I see a colleague “over-intoxicated.” And note it says, “confidentiality is not absolute, and those with a legitimate business reason to know about the allegations will be informed.” I’m sure my boss would like to know who reported, and anyone that OK’d the spend for the event, could say they have a business need. This can put those who are forced to “cooperate fully” in a dangerous situation. Also, what about those of us that barely weigh 115 lbs? What if I get over-served and try to make it back to my hotel safely. Do I risk someone anonymously reporting me as intoxicated? What if I’m cold sober, but trip or walking funny because my feet hurt? Now, I’m afraid someone might report me and it will go to my company, then my co-workers will be asked if they thought I over-imbibed, was high or …

I understand they want to promote reporting, but why aren’t victims told to call the police? Why are we told to tell TOTC or their affiliated 3rd party? This sounds a bit like telling co-eds reporting a rape to the campus police, and then wondering why no police report is made.

Again, these questions would not be entering the mind of someone who knew about the code of conduct at the time of purchase. The fact TOTC decided to hide it, makes all of it come under suspicion.

My last complaint, why in the hell would anyone think announcing the arrest of a previous attendee for 3rd degree rape,⁴ seem like the best way to notify attendees of how safe they were via a mandatory code of conduct?

I understand what they may have tried to attempt, but it is hard not to fault the event organizers for being quite tone deaf. This announcement did not make me feel safe. It actually did the opposite. Why were the organizers not aware that such an announcement would trigger, “provoke an intense emotional and psychological reaction”⁵ in many attendees who had been harassed, abused, or raped. TOTC claims to be working with various non-profit organizations to create these new policies. Did TOTC not know that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men were victims of “contact sexual violence?” (easily Googled statistics)⁶ If not the Tales of the Cocktail organizers, then why did didn’t any of the 3 non-profits, STAR, Green Dot, or Shift Change, offer resources for people being triggered? Yes, there were seminars, and events, AA meetings, but seriously was a Yoga class their idea of supporting victims? Don’t get me wrong I love that there were healthy alternatives or options, but we missed addressing a large part of the audience, that you created. Where was the help for the now newly triggered survivors? Most of the article seems to be focused on reporting, and steps taken to prevent future/current incidents, with no mention of helping those triggered by the report in and of itself. Two steps forward, but we dropped our left shoe in the mud.

If there was help, I apologize, but I didn’t know of any. The few people I talked to also did not know of any, either. I was around people who were triggered. After reading about the arrest, and then following the link to the NOLA.com article⁷, which was pretty graphic, and seeing the shit show starting on social media, some of my friends were triggered. Where could one go, and not be triggered? The people I talked to felt like our only choice was to cut back on events they had pre-paid for, leave the city, or stay in the hotel room. For the men and women who were triggered, but now HAD to work events, some very close to Bourbon Street, there was no choice. What a nightmare.

Maybe the hotline was for anyone, but everything I read online looked like all the help was for current accusations and trauma. Also, as I said, a little unnerving that I couldn’t find any information about calling police, or even call us(TOTC) and we will help you navigate the police force, or various support organizations. Why were we not advised to call 911?

I applaud the attempt at making things better, and safer. I applaud giving attendee access to a 24/7 hotline if something happens. But I do not appreciate the sensational way of informing people of your mandatory code of conduct, which I’m not even sure is legal or enforceable without proper notice. If you really wanted to be a force for change, why were you ashamed to tell us until after we bought a ticket?

In my humble opinion, this was not an empowering #metoo moment, but a #youfailedus. I wish the long standing event I’ve heard so much about good luck, and I hope it grows from this year’s constructive criticism.

I work best when there’s a safety trampoline of kindness.
~ Ruth Negga

Footnotes retrieved July 28, 2018:
1 Legal Advice via AVVO

2 Tales Code of Conduct & Anti-Harassment Policy Statement

3 TOTC: Anti-Harassment Policy Statement

4 Tales of the Cocktail Foundation Responds to Adam Seger’s Arrest July 18, 2018, 6:09 p.m

5 We Asked Trauma Therapists How to Deal With Triggering News Headlines About Sexual Assault October 12, 2017

6 CDC report 2015 September 25, 2017

7 Well-known Chicago bartender accused of sexual assault while in New Orleans in 2015 Updated July 23, 2018; Posted July 18, 2018

8 List of Non-profit support groups consulted:
STAR (Sexual Trauma Awareness and Response)
Green Dot (part of Alteristic: sexual and physical violence prevention organization)
Shift Change (providing sexual violence prevention education to the hospitality industry – according to the article Shift Change helped create the code of conduct)